A few weeks ago I celebrated my birthday and this year I pretty much celebrated for an entire week. It was fabulous! I went to the Rocky Mountains with my husband and had the most divine getaway. We stayed in a cute little Air BnB, with the most incredible view from the bathroom.
I ate take out gluten free pizza (yum), pulled tarot cards, snuggled with my husband, went for walks, had the most luxurious goddess bath and ate so much chocolate. I think it was the best birthday I ever had.
This birthday I’ve been looking back at my life, exploring who I am and the lessons I have learned. This last year (my 43rd year of life) was… well let’s say it was interesting. It’s been a strange mix of amazing and horrible.
It seemed like everything changed and stayed the same all at once. It was also really strange to have the main event of the week be grocery shopping. Adjusting to masks was pretty easy but not having people over and not being able to give hugs is still pretty tough.
Now my hugs are just really enthusiastic waves to show my love and smiles are conveyed by a crinkle around my eyes. Things have also been quiet, still and slow not all the time but certainly now, in an effort to bring the numbers down we stay at home, we do less.
Perhaps it’s because of this that I’ve been reflecting on the past, my experiences, what my life is like now and what I want it to be. My past challenges, successes, disappointments and the joy have all been ruminating in my mind.
It’s been interesting looking back, remembering family members who have died, my parents divorcing, being diagnosed with an autoimmune illness at 19 and handling the ups and downs of living with an illness.
I appreciate all the adventures I’ve had, all the places I’ve travelled to, something that was a dream of mine since I was a kid. I’ve met the most amazing people that are cherished friends. I also have a great love, who makes me laugh, holds me when I’m down and is the most amazing husband I could ask for.
I’m far from perfect, I’ve dealt with my share of troubles and inner demons and it’s taken me a long time but I’m much better at recognizing my gifts and my value. I know it sounds pretty trite but sometimes it’s good to look back.
Looking back helps me to assess the wisdom I have gained, the lessons I’ve learned and to clarify my values. It helps me to move forward with focus, to step into what I want the next year to be. It also helps me appreciate how fortunate I am and what an amazing life I have.
I love writing this kind of stuff out so I thought share them with you, the lessons I have learned from my rumination on my life.
You can’t live for others (Stop the People Pleasing)
As the saying goes you can’t please everyone, but boy did I try, for years. I wanted to be seen as the good girl, to be liked, to be perfect, to not be the bad guy, to be the one that always had the right answers and I certainly didn’t want to make any mistakes. All of it was a waste of time, I believe in kindness and compromise but I also believe in boundaries.
Wanting to be liked by everyone was holding me back and wasn’t helping me grow. I had to do what worked for me, not what others expected, wanted of me or what they thought was best. Clear boundaries and using your voice are your biggest ally for stopping the people pleasing.
Forget Perfection it’s Just an Illusion
Perfection ties in with people pleasing they are one side of the same coin, at least for me they are. For a long time, I had a belief that I had to be perfect to heal, to live a good life, to be loved, to have success or to have anything good in my life.
I thought to be healthy I had to eat perfectly, think perfect thoughts and take perfect care of myself in every way. But striving for perfection is a hindrance when healing not a help.
Another important lesson I learned it that your health doesn’t have to be perfect to live the life you want. I’ve travelled to other countries during flare ups or just coming out of one, you just have to plan a little more thoroughly and take some extra care. Letting go of perfection helps you to live a joyous life no matter what is going on in your life or around you.
You can change your Mind (and Your Life)
Life is about change and shifting what we do, how we live, our views and aspects of who we are. You can be vegetarian for years and then eat all the meat you want or vice versa. You can leave your corporate job to travel the world. You can change political views and do whatever else honours who you are.
It’s okay to change, to decide something different, to change your opinions, your relationships, you can change your life completely and that’s okay.
Love who you are
Loving your body (it’s functions and appearance) can be super difficult when dealing with a chronic illness. It’s hard to appreciate the thing that feels like it’s betraying you. It’s pretty natural to not appreciate your body when it’s not working how you want but your body does amazing things every second of the day.
It’s taken me a long time to get to a place of loving my appearance and how my body functions, it still takes work. Fortunately, with age I’ve learned to appreciate the shape of my body, how I look and how my body allows me to live a beautiful life. It doesn’t have to be perfect or all the time just try to appreciate you and your beauty (inside and out) as often as you can.
Life’s a Party – Feeling Good & Pleasure
Without fun and pleasure what the hell’s the point of life? Fun or pleasure is a daily requirement, it doesn’t have to be complicated or take up a lot of time. For me it can be going for a walk arm and arm with my husband, reading a book, having sacred time for myself, working on one of my hobbies (I have several projects on the go) or any number of things that make me feel good.
We are taught that feeling good isn’t as important as working hard, achieving something or making something of our self. But a lack of pleasure leads to getting pleasure from unhealthy habits, like endless Netflix or cartons of ice cream. When you add pleasure to your life you have better access to your inner knowing, your ability to heal and to all of your magic.
Be okay with Fear
There’s a lot of demonization of fear, you’ve heard the sayings, ‘What you fear you create’ or ‘The greater the fear the nearer the danger’. In the coaching world, the message around fear is very much like these quotes; don’t let fear hold you back or the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.
While there is some wisdom in all of the above there is also a lot of bullshit in it. Fear is a useful tool, it can warn you and help protect you but it can also be tricky so you have to know when it is coming for your benefit and when it is holding you back.
When dealing with an autoimmune illness fear can be an often occurrence and it can take time to release. The most common fear I’ve dealt with is fear of a flare up but the better self-care I have and the more I learn to trust myself and my body the less fearful I feel and the less it consumes my energy.
Fear is not the enemy when it comes up you just have to keep moving forward, figure out a plan to help mitigate what you fear and implement it. Don’t fear the fear, just let it be useful to you.
Each person will have their own lessons of life, the rules and values they live by. Part of growing, being healthy and realizing your full potential is re-assessing who you are, what you believe and how you want to live. Knowing this is your personal compass helping you direct your energy where you want it to go.
Perhaps the one benefit of this year if how introspective it’s made me feel. It’s freeing to know what I want, to give myself permission to follow my dreams, to let go of perfection. I have more clarity and have allowed myself to let go of views, beliefs and thought patterns that no longer serve me. I know that pleasure is healing and while I still feel fear I know that it’s okay and I can still move forward.
Have the events of 2020 changed your goals, views, values or beliefs? How will you move forward with your new ethos to create the life that is authentic to your new views?
I don’t know what 2021 will bring, realistically there will be much of the same from 2020 but hopefully there will be the realization of goals, adventure, divine pleasure and personal growth. Most of all though, hopefully there will be hugs for everyone, lots and lots of hugs.
